- 0 1 0 1 0 - FREE MILLION DOLLAR IDEA #1 VIKING FUNERALS Posted by guest columnist Rasheed Giovanni 3/18/03 01:57 AM PST - 0 1 0 1 0 - Have you been to a graveyard lately? Oh, pardon me. I guess they're called "cemeteries" now. Puhleaze. Call a thing what it is, that's what I always say. Even the term "graveyard" is a little too goddamn fancy. I've always preferred "corpse field." Hell, even "area designated for rotting human bodies" is better than hotty totty "cemetery" bullcrap. So, yeah. I'm writing this to sell you all on FUCKING BRILLIANT idea. An idea so great, so perfect, that if someone with the right kinda cajones were to pick up on it, they'd make a mint. You're probably wondering, "Hey, why's this guy wanna give away an idea that could make him a million dollars?" Well, I'll tell you why, jackass. It's because these things come to me, like, every five minutes. I've got a trillion of 'em. I'll be walking down the street, on the way to the pet shop...oh, Jesus Christ. Stop right there. Go get a pen and some scratch paper. Another fucking great idea. HA! A PG-13 whorehouse called the Pet Shop. It could be for fellas that can't afford the whole nine yards or those pills that make you dick hard. What are they called? Hell, I can't remember. Oh, yeah. Prilosec. I'm pretty far off the subject here, so I'm gonna bring this all back. Cemeteries, er, corpse fields. Have you been to one lately? Shit holes, aren't they? Back in the day, you go to one of these places and it's pure class, all the fucking way. You walk around and there's tombstones everywhere. Some are like art. Intricate angels and shit. Big crosses as tall as a Golden State Warrior. Everybody's got one, even dead babies for chrissake. You live on this planet for even a little while you deserve a marker as least as tall as you. Something to take your place. Something to let everybody know you were around. That you fucked some shit up. You head down there these days, to see your aunt or something, and what do you find? A "mausoleum" filled with tiny, tiny little plaques the size of my pinky. Right next to your aunt's name there's a little holder for one measly fucking flower. Now if you aunt lived high on the hog, she might have a 2 x 2 foot area with a marker out on the lawn. 10 Gs for a few blades of grass. If my dog were to take a dump in a modern day "cemetery," The turd could cover an entire family, grandparents and second cousins included. Something's gotta be done. I mean, it's obvious, even here in the US of A, that we're running out of room for the dead. See that "Poltergeist" movie? With those haunted two-levels that went up over the pilgrims? Well, that shit happens everyday in America. To make matters worse, by the time I kick the bucket I'll be lucky to score a grave the size of a goddamn ashtray. Then some jackass will come along and plop a townhouse over my ass. I don't wanna go out like that. You probably don't wanna go out like that. Nobody wants to go out like that. So here's my FUCKING BRILLIANT idea. You ever hear about Viking funerals? Well, it's time we brought those bad boys back. Now don't piss and moan about how people have their ashes spread at sea and it's the same thing. No it isn't, you prick. Those people usually have dinky, little markers someplace. Nobody who was ever tossed out to sea on a flaming ship gave a good goddamn about a rock with their name on it. When you're going out in style you don't care about how people will toss posies on your head. If someone wants to mourn they can put on a pair of water wings. Now think about this. Really, really think about this. Don't just nod and say, "whatever." Bullshit. Do some thinking. You're dead. You're about to be turned into dust and stuck in an urn. If you're real lucky, you'll be embalmed and tossed in the ground for bulimic worms. Invertebrate puke? Fuck that. You'd rather having your rotting ass on a boat surrounded by venison and gold with your arms around great big goddamn axe. Am I right? Of course I'm right. What kind of a dead pussy would turn their nose up a great big goddamn axe? Yuppies would eat this shit up with a spoon. Not just any yuppies but you know the type. The ones that buy Toyota Tundras and dirt buggies but never use them. They amass a huge collection in their garage. Buggies, wet suits, crossbows, voodoo dolls, speed boats...never touch any of it. Oh sure, the Tundra gets an occasional trip to the Mac Donald's. The rest of it? Not a touch. Motherfuckers run around in parkas and jog around the block. Give them the option. What are they gonna do? Get tossed in a hole or pull off one last bit of carpe diem? You're goddamn right. They're not gonna need their kid's inheritance where they're headed. Their asses are going out to sea. Make ol' Beowulf piss his jockstrap with pride up there in Valhalla. Yuppies have got money up the yin yang. Get to it, bucko. All you gotta do is pay off a few of those jerk-offs at the environmental protection agency and set up shop next to the neighborhood 24 Hour Fitness. There's a few logistics that could be a hassle. What's to stop seagulls from stealing the food? Or those scuba diving pricks from going after the gold? Who cares. Once they're in the water the stiffs are no longer your problem. The bucks'll roll in. You'll be up to your earholes in cash. Now I got another FUCKING BRILLIANT idea that goes along with this but I'm gonna hold of on it for a while. Make a some bling-bling off this one and come back to me. Then I'll hand over an idea that'll make you richer than Danny Devito. Previous -->