- 0 1 0 1 0 -
JOHN EDWARDS
Man of a Million Faces
Posted 10/15/04 - 7:11 PM
John Edwards: Senator. Father. Slapstick comedian extraordinaire?
On Wednesday, October 13th, the vice presidential candidate made a pit stop in Portland, Oregon. I attended the event, staged in Pioneer Square, along with my decrepit digital camera. Despite taking close to a hundred shots that afternoon, not a single one captured Edwards in the sort of stoic, inspiring pose that typically accompanies news stories on these rallies. Instead, what I wound up with was a memory card filled with a litany of expressions usually employed by the losers of Last Comic Standing.
Any news editor would scoff at these shots, deeming them unusable and not just because my camera couldn't quite pull off the quality of those taken by professional photojournalists. But why toss them away when they can be published here alongside a series of semi-witty (ok, tired and juvenile) captions ala Bill Maher and Tina Fey?
For the record, I'll be voting for Kerry/Edwards on Election Day. So why mock the candidate from South Carolina? Because the closest Bush will be coming to my hometown during the campaign is Central Point, a small town a four-hour drive from here. The Bush campaign's cowardice doesn't make W an easy target for my 3.1 megapixel Canon. Plus, Edwards never gets any flack.
WARNING: this article contains plenty of, how do you say, "adult humor." Aw, come on, don't be a wuss. It'll be fun. Let's get started.
- 0 1 0 1 0 -
Senator Edwards was confident that his magical Livestrong bracelet would protect him from Oscar de la Hoya's fists at the charity box-a-thon. Mere moments later, his Kennedy-esque good looks were downgraded to a level somewhere between George Bush Sr. and the bartender at the Mos Eisley cantina.
Bra', you should totally down that last E tab. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know. You've been "reborn" as a teddy bear messiah but I think it and another three hours of dancing to thudding techno beats will really level ya' out. Hey, get away from her. Trust me, she is not a chariot pulled by robotic unicorns that run on the power of love.
Yes, a lame drug joke and "robotic unicorns that run on the power of love." Hang in there, these quibs can only get better from here.
Tired of fielding another question about his alleged political inexperience, Edwards broke out the ol' "pretend your jerking off" pantomime. With that, the editors at Ms. Magazine changed their endorsement to Nader.
Maybe it was the heat, but in the middle of the rally senator Edwards majestically raised his right arm in a vain effort to convey a sudden onslaught of intense emotion. When a medical team arrived on the scene, the vice presidential candidate reportedly asked to speak with Christine Dubois and requested a white mask, a floppy, black hat and a full symphony orchestra to do a quick run-through of "Music of the Night."
Dismayed that no one showed up for a campaign stop in Ohio, John fought tears and began madly looking for his Bratz pen and Hello Kitty diary. When the crowd behind him screamed "hope is on the way," he let out a huge "oh my Gawd!" before hyperactively giggling for twenty minutes straight.
The senator quickly came up with an excuse about having to wash his hair when Cheney invited him over for a tumbler of single malt scotch and something far more sinister. Edwards wasn't too keen on the former Halliburton exec's idea to spend the evening sacrificing adorable baby lambs to Hades, lord of the underworld. After being turned down, Cheney growled "fuck off" before pulling out his Nokia to call Darth Vader, Mr. Burns, his pals in the Illuminati bowling club and that creepy rancher from Mulholland Drive.
The mind-control device had worked. Overcoming the obstacles of both time and space, the boys in the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy's astral research division had successfully replaced senator Edward's soul with that of John Kerry circa 1972. When confronted with a now speechless crowd, a disoriented Kerry/Edwards flashed a peace sign before demanding to know where Duran Duran had taken Jane Fonda.
So, Senator Edwards, you *don't* put the "John" back in "Johnson"?
OK, we'll have to take your word for it. Calm down. There's no reason to get violent. Fine, it's the size of a microphone, not a millimeter. Well, why were you doing that thing with your left hand the whole time? No, you don't have to show the crowd. Calm down and put your pants back on. Have some E.
What, there's more? Afraid so. Click here for page 2!
-->
