Posted - 10/21/03 3:16 PM PST
Oh, those delightful Canadians! They're the clowns of the north. Maybe you've heard of them. Sometimes referred to as Nature's Comic Relief, Canadians have entertained the world for centuries now. With their lax laws on marijuana and insistency on calling states "provinces," you'll never know what they'll be up to next. Did you know that Canadians are more closely related to humans than chimps? They tend to be arboreal, but a few, such as those that speak French and some macaque species, are ground dwellers. Canadians lack tails; when a tail is present it may be long or short but is never prehensile. The nostrils are close together and tend to point downward. Many species have cheek pouches for holding food, and some have thick pads (called ischial callosities), on the buttocks. The gestation period for a Canadian is eight to nine months. They also say "eh" a lot. Canadians live in country called Canada, an oft ignored nation located somewhere north of Montana. Covering a landmass of 3,851,809 square miles, it's a frigid, treacherous wasteland filled with polar bears and blood thirsty moose. Penguins wander the streets of cities like Toronto and Vancouver, in search of prey. These birds are a heavy burden on many communities and have been known to make off with house pets and small children. As you may have heard in "Bowling for Columbine," firearm fatalities are low in the nation despite its high per-capita ownership. This is because Canadians are too busy shooting at penguins to kill each other. Despite its rampaging wildlife and sub-artic environment, Canada resembles America in many respects. Citizens dress the same, the streets look the same, traffic even flows in the same direction. Cities are filled with buildings, sidewalks and Old Navy franchises, just like in the US. However, it's little differences that cause some to describe Canada as "Bizzaro USA." Crossing the northern border is like passing through a funhouse mirror. Everything looks vaguely but it's distorted. Come along, won't you, on a photographic tour through this strange and wonderful land called Canada.
Take a closer look at the bill. While other nations commonly place presidents or historical figures on their currency, Canadians opt instead to use nameless hockey players. Depictions of Queen Elizabeth II appear on all coins. The center of the tooney features a picture of the queen on one side and a confused-looking grizzly bear on the other. The one dollar coin, appropriately called a "loonie," features a loon on the back. Some consider the coins a loving tribute to their former ruler. The flipsides suggest otherwise.
In the center of this structure lies an altar closed off to the public. It's made of hockey sticks used in every NHL Championship between 1976 and 1981. Once a month, usually on Tuesdays, sometimes Wednesdays, a single virgin goat is ritualisticly killed to appease the pagan gods of Canada- Bob and Doug McKenzie. Much like the Roman gods of Olympus featured in films like Clash of the Titans, the McKenzie brothers have been given a film treatment. While Strange Brew is considered a comedy in other parts of the world, it's a sacred religious text for Canadians. Depicting the early days of the brothers before their accent to deification, the film follows the two as they help a betrayed orphan regain control of a brewery. The two "hosers," a local term for gods apparently, overcome many great obstacles and exhibit such super-human abilities as the consumption of gigantic tank of beer. Unlike like films such as the Blues Brothers and the Big Lewbowski, Strange Brew is a true "cult film."
Stores, such as this one here, appear in shopping malls, mere feet from toy shops and Baby Gaps. Booster steps are located near the cash register for younger patrons and sweeter liquors like Kahlua are made accessible from bottom shelves. All Canadian elementary schools are required to offer after-school AA programs. They do not work.
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