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KRISPY KREMES WILL EAT YOUR SOUL:
A Trip Into the Black Heart of Hype
Posted - 8/20/03 8:02 PM PST
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The Virus Hits
Day 1: Exposure - Day 3: Infection - Day 8: Epidemic - Day 20: Evacuation - Day 28: Devastation
-Tagline from the movie 28 Days Later.
If you live in Portland, maybe you first heard about it from a friend living in California. Or on the news a few months back. Something called "Krispy Kreme" was making its way to Oregon. The first rumors began in 2001. Waddles, the infamous coffee shop in Jantzen Beach, would be bulldozed to make way for Portland's first franchise. Then, two years later, it arrived. There was little warning. There was nothing local officials or agencies could do to stop it. Suddenly, Krispy Kreme was just...there.
Right from the start, it was chaos. Half-mile lines. Rent-a-cops flagging traffic. Hundreds of cars lined up along 82nd Avenue. Hour long waits for donuts. It wasn't surprising. This usually happens when a heavily promoted business opens in Oregon. Ten years ago, locals waited for hours to enter Incredible Universe, an electronics store in Wilsonville. These sort of events make the front page.
But there was something different about Krispy Kreme. The frenzy didn't stop after a few days. Weeks later, the long lines were still there, even in the middle of the night. The hype didn't stop. People were obsessed, maybe even addicted. Entire families in minvans, waiting two hours for donuts, in a queue that resembled a line waiting to board a ferry boat into Canada. If drug addiction is a sickness, then so was this. These donuts were becoming a way of life for thousands. Krispy Kreme wasn't just a donut shop, it was a virus and it was spreading fast.
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It began in North Carolina...
"Some strains can be transmitted in the air. Easy travel makes it possible that viruses such as Ebola and Marburg will escape from their home range and spread around the world."
-Excerpt from "The Hot Zone."
Like most devastating viruses, Krispy Kreme took several decades to spread to the point of becoming an epidemic. The first reported cases of AIDS were in the late 1960s but it didn't become widespread until the 1980s. The Krispy Kreme strain first took shape in 1937 when a man named Vernon Rudolph purchased a donut recipe from a New Orleans chef. He rented a building in Salem, North Carolina and opened business on July 13th, 1937. At first, the donuts were sold in local grocery stores. Soon, infected victims came directly to the building in search of
the source of their addiction. Rudolph cut a hole in an outside wall and began selling directly to his "customers."
What would become a national epidemic began slowly. In the 1940s and 1950s, franchises popped up around the state and Rudolph opened his first factory to provide each store with "consistent" dry-mix dough. In the 1960s, the first Krispy Kreme opened outside the state. Each location also adopted a uniform exterior with a green tile roof and red logo.
Several owners and a few decades later, Krispy Kreme expanded out of the Southeast and opened its first store in New York City in 1996. A year later, company artifacts were added to the collection at the Smithsonian's Museum of American History. In 1999, the first franchise opened in California, kicking off a massive nation-wide expansion plan. In four short years, the corporation has spread into all but a handful of US states and into Canada. The Las Vegas strip alone is home to four Krispy Kreme locations. In October, the corporation will open its first franchise in the United Kingdom, pushing the epidemic across the Atlantic.
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Symptoms of the Krispy Kreme Virus
The Krispy Kreme virus does not discriminate. It does not primarily attack the young or elderly, across all race lines. Even those with the strongest immune system are susceptible to infection.
The disease begins when the victim first enters a Krispy Kreme. In the typical franchise, they are immediately exposed to a slew of Krispy merchandise - everything from coffee mugs to cotton underwear. Coupled with a visual bombardment of additional paraphernalia, the victims sense and immune system are further weakened by a window which overlooks the production line.
Yes, that's pure, uncut grease those donuts are swimming in.
The window stretches the length of the line, offering viewers a glimpse what goes into making each donut. A Krispy Kreme begins its life in a large oven. A tiny cart carries it along a lengthy course and out onto a conveyor belt. The now cooked donut, along with hundreds of others, enters a vat of cooking grease where it is fried. The process is completed when it passes through a glazing machine, which coats the donut in layer of sugary "kreme."
Curiosity draws the victim along the line towards the check stand. The setup works as a sort of human fly trap and, with their senses weakened and affected by a heavy peer influence, have little choice but to purchase a donut. In certain cases, such as a new store opening, free samples are offered.
Infection begins within seconds of the Krispy Kreme's consumption. Victims report feelings of euphoria and increased taste perceptions coupled with an immediate desire to consume more of the sweet rolls. They leave the store with a dozen, sometimes dozens of donuts. The supply doesn't last long, especially if other potential victims are present. A single container of Krispy Kremes can infect an entire household.
The magical, mystical glazing machine.
Over a period of weeks, the occasional trip to Krispy Kreme becomes a daily ordeal. The victim doesn't just want these donuts, they need them. Symptoms such as inexplicable hunger and cold sweats cause the victim to lose sleep, leaving their eyes excessively bloodshot. Because the average franchise stays open round the clock, the victim creates reasons for 3 AM donut runs such as "I'll beat the crowds if I go early" or "I need a chocolate iced with sprinkles. Now."
In later stages, the Krispy Kreme virus shares many symptoms with vampirism and zombiism. The victim becomes nocturnal and a lack of exposure to UV rays causes their skin to pale. They become "donut zombies" craving Krispy Kremes at all hours. The world around them becomes black and white; only the Krispy Kremes have a noticeable pallor. As one victim explained, "Donuts! Dooooonuts! Doooooonuts!!! Glaaaaaaa!!!! Mmmm!!! Slurrrrp! Yurp!!! Yummmmmm!!!"
While the Krispy Kreme virus is rarely fatal, much like Starbucksilioma it can destroy a victim's entire world. Their addiction causes them to miss work and other engagements. Everyday activities like bathing become a low priority. On average, they spend four to five hours a day waiting in line. It's not uncommon for marriages to be completely destroyed by these donuts. They consume the Krispy Kremes, but the Krispie Kremes also consume them mentally, spirtually and even physically. Waistlines increase and in extreme cases, cardiac arrest is caused after over consumption leaves the victim's heart literally glazed.
Over time, Krispy Kreme may cause nations billions in lost production and costly rehabilitation programs. If left to its own devices, the corporation may turn entire cities into wastelands filled with donut craving automatons.
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When Dunkin' Donuts Just Won't Do
To get to the root cause of the Krispy Kreme virus, we need to look at the donuts themselves. What makes them any different, any better, than the average artery-clogging confection? The key difference is the glaze itself, the cream in the Krispy Kreme. Because these donuts are served hot, the glaze has yet to harden, giving the donut a gooey texture. While the average donut slightly rough, like bread, Krispy Kremes almost literally melt in your mouth. if allowed to cool, however they become like any common Dunkin' Donut.
Krispy Kremes are to donuts as McDonalds' burgers are to hamburgers. Each is smaller than their more common counterpart, making them almost bite size. Other burger franchises, especially White Castle, have been producing undersized burgers for years. In a normal restaurant, one burger would suffice. In a McDonalds, it takes three to match the equivalent of a single restaurant burger.
Some argue that Krispy Kremes and McDonalds burgers are as addictive as cigarettes. A landmark case against the later almost went as far as the New York Supreme Court. In a class action lawsuit, three teens sued McDonalds Corp., claiming the chain's food caused them to gain as much as 200 pounds develop heart disease and diabetes. They blamed deceptive advertising and false nutritional information for their "addiction."
Is this the secret to these franchises' success stories? Deceiving their customers with small products, thereby causing them to purchase more of them? Hooking their customers like a smack dealer? Maybe. They also have a gimmick which other businesses lack. McDonalds, which is quickly overcoming a quarterly loss in sales, offers cheap burgers, along with a new line of healthy meals, and serves them quickly. It was the first restaurant of its kind. White Castle sells smaller burgers with square patties at an even lower price. Much like Starbucks coffee, Krispy Kreme's products are more expensive than you might find at a competing franchise, but they offer something extra.
Beyond gimmicks, hype is also a factor. In Portland, rumors surrounding Krispy Kreme clogged the airwaves a full two years before the store first opened. Are these donuts addictive because of the mystique surrounding them? The hype? Or is because they're better than what you can get at the nearest Winchell's?
Another satisfied customer?
Aside from a $20, is there any noticeable difference between Gap khakis and the slacks that can be purchased at the JC Penny ten feet away? Is a tag worth the price increase? As mentioned before, Krispy Kremes taste like any other donut if they're allowed to cool. To all the Krispy Kreme addicts out there, here's a chilling challenge. Toss a glazed donut purchased at a grocery store into a microwave. Do a taste test with a glazed Krispy Kreme. Is there any real difference in taste? Unlikely. Are these donuts really worth waiting an hour for? Didn't think so.
Once the novelty of a gimmick or hype wears off, why do these chains continue to expand like, well, viruses? Does McDonalds stick nicotine in its hamburger patties? Are the knees in Gap khakis lined with some sort of heroin patch? Or could these products actually be better than their competitors?
Maybe it's all a matter of taste. Or maybe Americans are grease-craving sheep like all those issues of Adbusters claim.
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There's No Stopping What Can't be Stopped
On 82nd Avenue, the long lines outside Krispy Kreme stretch to the horizon. At the end of the month a second location will open in Tanasbourne, a nearby suburb. If the donuts popular enough, which seems to be the case in other cities, there could soon be a Krispy Kreme in every neighborhood, much like Starbucks.
God help Portland if In and Out Burger ever rolls into town.
Next time: The Safari Club is the only place in Oregon where you can drink gin with lions and tigers. Why is this landmark about to meet the broadside of a wrecking ball?
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