LIVE! NUDE! OTTERS!Posted - 6/13/03 4:38 PM PST - 0 1 0 1 0 -
A young girl is staring through a smeared, plexi-glass window. A group of children and parents have gathered to watch three pairs of otters romp merrily in a man-made riverbed. The creatures roll and play, darting from one end to the other. It's a delightfully innocent moment; a sugary scene that would put even a Care Bear in a diabetic coma. The sun has broken through the clouds and all is good and well in the world. Then, thirty seconds later, one of the otters rolls onto his back. Suddenly, the crowd is catapulted into the middle of something usually seen in a Dutch red light district at 3 AM. A gigantic, red stick juts out from fur and glistens in the spring sunlight. It jiggles and bobs, almost as if it's waiving at the shocked onlookers nearby. It's the size of a Sharpee, making this otter the John Holmes of aquatic rodents. Actually, with all that body hair, he looks more like a young Ron Jeremy. He proudly swims in a circle, offering everyone in the crowd a good look. His female counterpart squeals and jumps on top of him. Love is in the air.
 Missionary? Doggy-style? Reverse cowgirl? You be the judge.
Welcome to the Oregon Coast Aquarium where live otter sex shows begin at 2, 3 and 4 PM daily. Nominated as one of the top ten aquariums in the US by Parade Magazine, the OCA offers visitors a glimpse at 15,000 aquatic animals..and their genitalia. Best known for serving as a homestead for Keiko the whale, AKA not-so coincidentally as Free Willy, it also offers a variety of educational exhibits along with bathrooms, water fountains, food carts, gift shops and even benches. The aquarium opened in the mid-'80s to counter balance the area's sagging fishing and timber industries. It has been growing, in more ways than one, ever since.
 Oh, so this is where murals come from.
A large, gray building greets visitors as they hike in from the parking lot. Like most museums and zoos, the prices seem steap for a venue lacking pyrotechnics and roller coasters. The entree fee for an adult is $10.75 (evidentally, Seal Chow ain't cheap). While the sight of otters boinking is worth $6.00, that extra $4.75 should go towards something more than animals snoozing in pens. To make up for this deficit, at least one representative of the aquarium’s 500 species should spit on each guest like Shamu does in San Diego.
 The sign said these creatures were vegeterians. Maybe this guy's just an asshole.
The first exhibit is Enchanted Seas. Here, visitors are presented with hundreds of tanks filled with aquatic creatures. Some of them even look like fish. Others seem to have leapt off the pages of one of those Star Wars paperbacks you see at Safeway check stands. Near the entrance lies a glass enclosure that stretches from the floor to the ceiling. Living inside is a group of critters that have the heads of turtles and the bodies of regurgitated Silly Putty. If the glass were to break, they'd probably climb up the leg of the nearest human, slither down their throat and burst out of their belly button in five seconds flat.
 Why is this funny?
Further down lies an unusual tank filled with baby alligators. Below are two holes that allow anyone under 48 inches to crawl beneath and peak through a plastic bubble located in the middle. Anyone taller, and willing to claw their way past the bones of preschoolers that never found their way out, can also enjoy the sight of distorted alligators going about their business. While they should regale their underaged audience by leaping at the glass and attacking Paul Hogan action figures, the alligators just stand around. The aquarium is run by a non-profit organization. Figures.
 Them's good eatin'.
Since the departure of Keiko, the aquarium’s premiere attraction has become Passages of the Deep. The exhibit allows visitors the chance of a lifetime- a walk down a 200-foot long hallway surrounded by incredibly dangerous sharks. They swim above, below and alongside the hallway, which is essentially a glass tube. Every ten feet there’s a plastic window in the floor, allowing visitors the opportunity to jump up and down on the heads of the most feared animals on the planet. If anyone needs a metaphor for the arrogance on mankind look no further. For everyone else, head on down to Newport. Jumping on those things is hella' fun! Occasionally, the aquarium hosts "Shark Sleepover," an overnight educational program can sleep with these delightful killing machines. This Is A Hollywood Blockbuster Waiting to Happen. If anything’s going to break one of those glass floor panels, is going to be thirty bored children that have been ditched in a shark tank so their parents can have a romantic evening in Newport. The camcorder footage of this inevitable tragedy is sure to net one enterprising staff member at least a cool million. Weddings are occasionally held in a nearby event room. Maybe "Shark Wedding" can be the sequel.
 Bigger boat? Screw that! Get a rocket launcher.
No trip to the aquarium is complete without a trip to the Ocean Exploration Station. Located in the Sandy Shores exhibit, the station gives visitors the opportunity to touch, tap, poke or throttle a variety of sea sponges and starfish. Washing your hands after groping a living cucumber full of eerie tentacles is recommended. Licking your fingers is, however, not. While it’s relatively safe, it’ll convince you that your tongue is going numb. You’ll spend the rest of the day worrying if it’s going to turn purple, grow its own mouth and start making demands. Swallowing saliva will suddenly become more frightening than base jumping.
 According to the staff, he's been stuck in that thing since MLK Day.
Next time: A rose by any other name...is a gigantic carnvial that invades downtown Portland every year. A look at the aftermath of Pepsi's Waterfront Village.
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