- 0 1 0 1 0 - THE MATRIX SEQUEL IS DECADENT AND DEPRAVED Posted - 6/03/03 3:24 AM PST - 0 1 0 1 0 - Go to the window. Can you hear it? That faint, crackling noise can be heard from just about any spot in the country. Can't make it out? Head down to the nearest multiplex and wait for the audiences to trickle out. That's the sound of hearts breaking and it's become a nationwide epidemic. Millions spent Memorial Day weekend clutching their chests. Grocery stores around the country can't keep Tums on their shelves. Cardio- vascular disease have risen 1200% in the last three weeks. Who's responsible for this widespread malaise? The Matrix Reloaded. In almost every regard, the Matrix sequel fails. Its endless miscalculations would make even Joel Schumacher shake his head in disgust. In only its third week of release, the sequel earned a paltry $15.7 million at the box office, lagging in forth place behind not only a fish cartoon but a Mark Wahlberg movie as well. Was this the film that supposed to change the world and make Titanic's box office records look like the price of a Hershey's Kiss? As producer Joel Silver put it, "There is no bar." Sorry bub, word has gotten around and the bar has yet to budge. To anyone out there would deny the sheer ineptitude of what should have been, like its predecessor, one of the finest science fiction movies ever made, consider the following. Reloaded Suffers From George Lucas Syndrome The Onion offered the first review that compared The Matrix Reloaded to the Phantom Menace. That accusation isn't too far off the mark. Both films were produced and created by directors that were, more or less, given free reign and a blank check. While a good deal of criticism can be lauded at the studio system's policy of creating films by committee and the pitfalls of test screenings, someone should have at least sent the Wachowski Brothers a memo. Both Reloaded and the Episode 1 are plagued with mind-crushing wordplay that belongs in a poorly translated manual for a Toshiba television. "You can't stop change any more than you can stop the suns from setting." "No, no point. Old men like me don't bother in making points. There is no point." Can you tell which of these lines is from Episode 1 and which is from Reloaded? Didn't think so. Both scripts may as well have been written with the same pen. A poorly-dubbed episode of Astro Boy has better dialogue. Given the script and the green screen surroundings they perform in, it's no wonder that skilled actors like Lawrence Fishburn and Ewan McGregor are stripped of their talent when they show up on set. Lucas and the Wachowskis could make Marlon Brando look like an extra in a junior high school production of The Iceman Cometh. It should come as no surprise that Keanu Reeves, who performs Hamlet with the same hot box brogue as he does Ted "Theodore" Logan, thrives under the same clean room conditions. There's Better Computer Graphics in the Average Atari 1600 Game The hype surrounding Reloaded proclaimed that film would revolutionize action filmmaking like its predecessor. If bland CGI action sequences are revolutionary, then Congo must be the most important film of the 1990s. The multi-shot Bullet Time sequences, achieved with dozens of cameras in the first Matrix, are rendered with computers in this outing. As a result, "breathtaking" sequences like Neo's street fight with dozens of Agent Smiths look like they were shot with action figures instead of humans. Making things all the more unbelievable, the skin and clothing on Reeves and all those Hugo Weavings look as smooth as marble. During Morpheus' showdown on atop a semi truck, his jacket barely moves. He looks like someone walking on a treadmill, not a 5-ton trailer barreling down a freeway. Wire-Fu may be outdated and over-used but at least it doesn't look unreal. The texture-less special effects in Reloaded belong in an old Mind's Eye video. It Ain't Heavy One of the biggest draws for Matrix devotees is its "deep" themes regarding reality and illusion. The films reference everything from Plato to Lewis Carol to Akira. These films provide plenty of fodder for hours of hazy dorm room discussions...or do they? WYLD STALLYNS RULE! Sober up and suddenly the philosophy behind the Matrix movies becomes banal and simplistic. In the first film, a child prattles on about there being "no spoon." In Revolutions, we're treated to ten minutes of an old man coughing up Geometry 121 buzzwords. The fifty or so minutes devoted to philosophical musings in the last two Matrix films can be boiled down to a single sentence: "Nothing is real." For those of interested in learning more about this notion of false realities, here's some suggested reading. It's included below for your convenience. Row, Row, Row Your Boat Row, row, row your boat, Gently down the stream, Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream As for the Wachowskis thoughts on fate and free will, take a look at the average direct-to-video Disney sequel. Little Mermaid 2: Return to the Sea addresses these same themes minus the fifteen syllable words. Plus, the Matrix films lack a cartoon penguin sidekick, although the spunky kid in Zion comes close. Stripped of its overbearing pretenses, the Matrix films can be understood by farm animals. 20 Minutes of Goodness Snared in 118 Minutes of Crap There's a good movie in the Matrix Reloaded. Unfortunately, it's been crammed into the last few scenes. The confrontation with the Architect, Agent Smith's conspiracy, the power plant raid and Neo's realization that Zion is a computerized dream are all wedged into a overflowing climax that has to be viewed in slow motion while reading a flow chart to understand. Why were the most interesting sequences of the film crammed in carelessly at the end? To make way for bland exposition and uninteresting back stories that better belong in fan fiction. This should speak for itself. Who cares about Link, the Nebuchadnezzar's new navigator? Roughly ten minutes of valuable screen time is devoted to this secondary's boring domestic squabbles. Imagine if half of the battle sequence on Hoth in Empire Strikes Back were cut to make way for scenes of Wedge ironing his X-Wing jumpsuit? Or if the Aztec Temple sequence in Raiders of the Lost Ark was replaced with ten additional minutes of Indiana lecturing his Archaeology class? Both of those films would have had their grosses drop 51% in their second weeks too. The first half of the film takes place in Zion, a poorly-realized film locale that is on the verge of earning itself its one billionth snotty message board post. Apparently, the Wachowski's learned nothing from the mistakes of the Phantom Menace. The plodding councilors, even their costumes, look like they were cut and pasted from the Star Wars prequels. Much of the sets themselves may as well have been lifted from the later Planet of the Apes movies...the ones that cost $500 to produce. All that stalactite looks like spray-painted cardboard. Worst of these unnecessary scenes is the already notorious underground rave sequence. Evidentially, all of Zion is populated by Sears catalogue models that engage in PG-13 orgies when they're mere hours away from being slaughtered like hogs. Horrendously implausible, conceptually inept and just plain stupid, the scene makes the worst moments of Biodome look like cinematic perfection. If the audience wanted tepid T&A, it would have paid to see The Lizzy McGuire Movie. Also begging for ire is Keanu's showdown with all those Agent Smith clones. If Neo has super human powers, why does he bother with kung-fu? Why doesn't he blast through them like he did in part one? Since Smith could replicate himself endlessly, why didn't Neo just fly away in the first place? Finally, where do all those Agents Smiths go at the end of the day? Does the original Agent Smith have a huge loft somewhere where they hang out and sneer at one another? Do they get into fights over who does the dishes? Is there a quiet Agent Smith? A party-time Agent Smith? An Agent Smith with a southern accent? An Agent Smith that fights with everyone and eventually gets kicked out? An Agent Smith that never throws down for toilet paper? What about the humans they've assimilated? Missing mothers and fathers. Don't the residents of the Matrix get curious when an entire apartment building turns into an army of God-like Secret Service agents? There are cut scenes in the average Final Fantasy installment that make more sense. The "Real" World. Which one's the sensitive poet? The Matrix Reloaded wears its anime influences like a badge. Much like the average Japense import, it's filled with endless lapses in logic. An entire skyscraper is devoted to housing one man. Motorists ignore fighters playing leap frog on a crowded expressway. Characters destroy a nuclear power plant and no one seems to notice or care. At least a few citizens of the Matrix would pick up on these things. If a flying terrorist zipped through a heavily populated area, tearing apart entire city blocks with sonic boom, it would draw more press than 9/11. Doesn't the Matrix have journalists? If Neo really wants to convince the citizens of the Matrix "to open their eyes" and revolt, all he needs to do is buzz around lower Manhattan on a slow news day. - 0 1 0 1 0 - Reloaded is the movie equivalent of the Hindenburg disaster; a combination of incredible ambition and endless human fallacy. While it has already made it's money back and is still drawing huge crowds overseas, the magic is gone. At least Lucas had at least one decent sci-fi trilogy in him. If the Wachowskis spent more time on the script and less time cross-dressing and believing their own press, they could at least nudge the bar. The Matrix Reloaded can't even touch it while standing on its tip toes. Right back at you, Laurence. Next time: Live Otter Sex Shows! Tongue Numbing Sea Sponges! Every trip to the Oregon Coast Aquarium is a memorable one. Previous -->