- 0 1 0 1 0 - AN INCOMPLETE GUIDE TO PYRO GOLF Posted - 5/26/03 2:45 AM PST - 0 1 0 1 0 - For many an epoch, man has been infatuated with fire. From the days when primeval man flirted with monoliths to the fast-paced Baskin Robbins culture of now, conflagration has captivated us. If you have opposable thumbs and the ability to speak, there's a 92% chance that you have a fire fetish. Yes, it's true. Fire kicks ass. But fireworks are better. They combine the joy of flames with a big, loud bang. And what's even better than fireworks? Mixing golf clubs with fireworks. The following is guide on how to enjoy two of America's favorite pastimes simultaneously. WHAT YOU'LL NEED: 0. To enjoy all the streaming video clips below, you'll need a copy of Quicktime. If you don't already have one, why not click the logo? It's fun, free and easy. 1. Typical golf paraphernalia. Clubs, tees, carts, khakis and Ugandan blow darts. 2. Fireworks (see below). 3. Cigars. Fireworks require, well, fire. Cigars work better than matches and don't sputter out when a light breeze kicks up. Punks also work but don't come with the fun tar salivia side-effect. 4. Three gallons of homemade Colt 45...for each player. 5. An open field or parking lot. 6. Shovels for digging holes in grass. A jackhammer for digging holes in a parking lot. 7. Poles and flags. Ivory pool cues and silk robes also work if these are unavailable. 8. Goggles (safety first!). 9. A digital camera so you can stick your unedited, poorly-shot footage on the iny-net for all the world to enjoy! WHAT TO HIT Try any combination of the following. Crackling Balls may be the pyrotechnic equivalent of golf balls. They're round, durable and can fly a good distance. Plus, their name can incite hours of snort-filled laughter. Unfortunately, Crackling Balls smaller than the average golf ball and can be difficult to hit. They come in packs of 6 and run around $2.00. Much like regular golf, you may have to sell your '78 Datsun to fund a proper 9 hole game. Still, they're probably your best bet. Click above for a Quicktime clip of a Crackling Ball explosion. Whistling Petes are loud and irritating, making them more enjoyable to smack. Since their design is hardly aerodynamic, they're not as practical as Crackling Balls. They're worth a try but don't come crying when your spill proof Dockers turn you into a 21st century Richard Pryor. M80s - M250s They're not just for fishing anymore. These breeds of firework are fun...if you manage to hit them on the first swing. The average M250 (AKA a quarter stick of dynamite) will create a 15+ foot mushroom cloud. If you take a mulligan though, you're libel to hop away with a half a foot missing and a 60% loss of hearing in one or more ears. Hey, what are you? Some kind of sissy? Light four simultaneously and swing away. Click above for a Quicktime clip of a M80 explosion. Smoke Bombs They allow for a multicolored streak and are easy to track after teeing off. On the other hand, they don't explode. What fun would game called pyro golf be with pastel smoke instead of loud explosions? Plus, they reduce the danger level considerably. Use smoke bombs only if you a: are female or b: have already lost a chunk of flesh from one of the others. RULES Much like the Fourth of July and Raid huffing, pyro golf is better after the sun goes down. The rules are exactly the same as fire-less golf. Lowest score wins, etc. Begin by teeing off at the first hole. After realizing that that 1: You can't see the first hole marker and 2: A full game would take 72 hours, disregard all rules. Aim for windows, bicyclist, dry brush, toddlers frolicking children in Sponge Bob kiddie pools, the elderly and taxing airplanes. First player to ignite a stranger or a commercial aircraft wins. A BRIEF NOTE ON THE GOLFER'S STANCE When teeing off, place your feet shoulder's length apart, keep your eye on the ball and do the exact opposite of this man: AVOIDING PROBLEMS The Law. If you're hoping to enjoy a round of pyro golf without complaints from neighbors and unpleasant encounters with la polizia, head for the country. After all, it has peaches. If that isn't an option, well, fuck 'em. The minute you hear a siren, flee in your trusty golf cart. There's absolutely nothing suspicious about a cart rolling down a bike line so don't worry. Try not to look suspicious and you'll go home instead of jail. A pyro golf rookie seconds before loosing his eyebrows. Catching Shrapnel. It can be a problem. Check out the video clip below to view the only possible thing that can go wrong while playing with illegal fireworks...besides steep fines, ravaged eyeballs, ruined marriages, dead pets and truncated belly-buttons. To avoid the negative consequences of shrapnel, wear kevlar body armor and a gas mask made out of asbestos...if you're a sissy! Pyromania. Too much pyro golf is known to cause delusions, loose stools and pyromania in 76% - 82% of all players. You've been warned. Click the picture for a Quicktime clip of a player suffering from all three known side-effects. The clip also includes another pretty shot of an M80 explosion. ELEVEN PLACES TO PURCHASE ILLEGAL FIREWORKS 1. The Library Mobile. 2. Maternity wards. 3. Lexus dealerships. 4. Airport terminals. 5. Women's Studies 315. 6. Hot Dog on a Stick. 7. The record store downtown with the 37 year-old clerks that sneer at you for buying the White Stripes instead of warped and scratched Fear singles. 8. The nearest abandoned Sizzler Steakhouse. 9. Inside the piano. 10. Joseph Scott's place on NE 101st St. in Vancouver, Washington. 11. It's a long shot but you could also try an Indian reservation. FINALLY, M250: A HAIKU M250 blasts Showing power and grace As the sissy jumps, scared OK, you made it all the way to the bottom. You deserve a prize. Click above for a Quicktime clip of a M250 explosion with post game analysis. Next time: The Big, Stupid Matrix Sequel is Decadent and Depraved Previous -->