FUN WITH VICODINPosted - 5/12/03 6:56 PM PST - 0 1 0 1 0 -
Fine, no one ever said Vicodin was a hallucinogen. Two Children's Tylenol would have gotten me closer to the JC Penny spiritual journey I was hoping for. I figured the drug would make me completely numb, like I was wearing a hot tub jumpsuit. Those white pills didn't even make my eyes dilate. However, they did make me want to max out a few American Express cards. Ryder made this mistake over a year ago. She wandered into a Sak's with a head full of Vicodin and wandered out with half the store shoved under her Gucci blouse. Take two pills and wander into the nearest place of commerce. You'll immediately understand her rationale. Passing by a bonsai stand, I was convinced that a $150 miniature tree would be a wise investment. $25 cellular phone covers were suddenly a bargain. I distinctly remember walking by a Suncoast and thinking, "I've gone all this time without owning a copy of 101 Dalmatians 2: Patch's London Adventure. What's the matter with me?" If the feds started pumping Vicodin into the nation's Pepsi supply, the economy would recover in 20 minutes flat. I didn't look at the warning label on the prescription bottle until hours later. According to it, driving under the influence of Vicodin is a bad idea. No wonder I meandered home at 10 MPH. Reading further, another label caught my eye.
With each passing day, shopping for booze becomes increasingly more complicated. There are around five-hundred thousand brands of a given liquor and each has at least three flavors. Finding vodka flavored vodka in the average American liquor store is easier than tracking down the Ark of the Covenant. Absolut alone now offers flavors in orange, mandarin, currant berry, lemon and, strangely enough, pepper. If the company ever releases a flavor with a tiny Absolut and huge VODKA on the label they'll outsell Smirnoff, Sky and Hood River vodka combined. Grateful alcoholics would purchase it by the caseload. Since plain, old vodka wasn't available, I picked at random. The Young Sherlock Holmes was on when I returned. Egyptian cults in turn-of-the-century England? Perfect. I took two pills and chased them with two shots. Aside from a renewed desire to fill the place with bonsai trees, I felt the same twenty minutes later. I needed more vodka. After four more shots and another twenty minutes I was floating in space.
After practicing a series of deadly kung-fu kicks, I was inspired to turn my car into Holmes' flying machine. It would be great. I could fly around Beaverton and share my meager Vicodin supply with the masses. I'd be a guru, a hero for an age. I'd get to work right away. I had a screwdriver, silly string, a Chia Pet *and* a hammer; all the supplies I would be needing. This would be super easy. I'd be in the air before rush hour. I was unconscious by the time the end credits rolled. If I'd gone with Oxycoedine instead, I'd be a counter-cultural icon by now. So, really, why is Vicodin a party drug? If you mix it with alcohol, you'll be asleep in under 20 minutes. From what I can tell, the drug is merely Roofies with a better PR agent. Winona may be the hottest kleptomaniac in California but her taste in prescription medications is fucking terrible. I'll never live by her example again. But does this mean I should return all those $75 hat pins?
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