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Wednesday, November 26, 2003Post #11: The biggest DICK of them all
 This sculpture (*hee*) arrived in Portland sometime over the summer and has been the subject of countless jokes ever since. Some say that it resembles the male genitallia (*snort*) but Blog disagrees. While its long shaft (*snicker*) may recall the head of a penis and its dangling golden ball... (*HA! HA! HA!*) fine, there's just no getting around it. That "thing" across the street from Powell's Bookstore in downtown Portland, Oregon looks like a giant, semi-erect, perky.... ...DICK!With that, Blog has finished his eleventh and final post a good four minutes prior to the deadline. WOO!!! HOO!! IN YOUR FACE!!! He has conquered and now stands triumphant over the rest of the Bloging world. Have yourselves a merry little Thanksgiving, biznatches!!!
Post #10: Let's talk politics
How about a little thoughtful political discourse to help fulfill this looming deadline?
Hmmm…er….uh….Arnold Schwarzenegger is a DICK who takes his DICK out far too often while George Bush 2.0 is a DICK of a different sort. If his wife, who serves as this site’s namesake, played with GW’s DICK on a more regular basis, he wouldn’t have time to make DICKhead moves like invading Iraq. OK, fine. Blog is completely incapable of thoughtful discourse. Regardless, this is still a post and Blog is one step closer to his goal.
Post #9: Will Blog make it?
25 minutes remain, 2 posts are left unwritten and Blog has nothing else to talk about.
Arrrgh! The pressure! This is riDICKulous.
Post #8: Henry Ford's, gone forever?
 Henry Ford's Restaurant and Piano Bar may never again opens its doors. The iconic Portland business which delighted patrons over the years with its eerie atmosphere and fire-ball (fire BALL not fire DICK) spewing fountain closed its old location back in late February. A lengthy article about Henry Ford's, which was posted on Website earlier this year, can be found here. The owners planned on opening an all new Henry Ford's. According to an Oregonian article from May, it was scheduled to reopen in June. Summer passed and still no word came of when Ford's would return. Sadly, Blog learned earlier this week that the Ford family sold the proposed location last month. While it would have been a perfect replacement, the building was in almost as poor repair as the original. Located in NW Portland, the new Ford's would have inhabited an old French restaurant. From the outside, the building looked almost as mysterious as the one that once lingered over Barbur Boulevard. French windows overlooked bamboo gardens, immediately recalling a certain infamous house in Eugene OR. It could have been almost as great as the old Ford's. So the fate of Henry's eerie portrait and the fireball fountain hang in limbo. Will Henry Ford's ever return or will it join the likes of the Organ Grinder? Only time will tell.
Post #7: Turkey-shaped steak
Blog loves the concept of Thanksgiving but has never been able to get into the spirit of the season. Gorging yourself on massive amounts of food in honor of Manifest Destiny is, admittedly, a fantastic idea for a holiday but why does turkey have to be the centerpiece?
Turkey is bland and flavorless. In a nation like America, shouldn't beef take its place? The effects of Tryptophan might make a nice metaphor for Thanksgiving but hamburger is more iconic. If such a thing as "tofurky" can exist, why not a steak shaped like a turkey? Tomorrow, Blog will eat a single slice of turkey and attempt to make a meal out of mashed potatoes and pumpkin pie. Sometime later, he'll probably wander off in search of an open Taco Bell, like he does every year. This time, maybe he'll take along a copy of "David Copperfield" which just happens to written by Charles DICKins.
Post #6: COOKIE BOMB!
 A while back, Blog sent his younger sister an Oreo cookie in the mail for reasons not worth mentioning here. What actually happened to this cookie is worthy of an entry in "Big Book of Revenge." The Oreo was placed in a legal-sized envelope with no padding. Whlle Blog suspected the cookie would arrive merely crushed, it actually melted in transit. The vanilla cream, along with the cookie itself, formed into a gelatinous goo which seeped through the envelope. The goo destroyed several bills and covered her November issue of EGM in a thin layer of Oreo slime. For some strange reason, she's actually pissed about this and neglected to take a picture of resulting melee. Sheesh! No foresight at all! What IS the matter with that girl? Blog, who is probably going to get a much deserved DICK kicking when she arrives in town tonight, has dubbed this "The Cookie Bomb." If a single Oreo can do this much damage, imagine what a manila envelope full of them could do. Or the awesome destructive power of three poorly-packaged king-sized Snickers bars! In fact, if US troops in Iraq had access to this kind of technology, the war would be over by now (instead of just "officially" over).
Post #5: The Wilhelm Scream
If you've seen an action movie in the last twenty years, then you've heard it. You've probably even joked about it. This infamous scream has appeared in all of the "Star Wars" and 'Indiana Jones" films along with "The Two Towers." Yes, it has a name. It's called the Wilhelm Scream.
Still not sure what this is all about? Click here for a WAV file. The Wilhelm Scream is probably the most iconic sound effect in the history of film. Back in 1951, a series of screams were recording for the Warner Brothers film "Distant Drums." They were used in a scene where a man is attacked (and possibly has his DICK bitten off, Blog hasn't seen the movie) by an alligator. The recording was later tucked away in the studio's archives. "Star Wars" sound designer Ben Burtt tracked down the scream recording - which he named "Wilhelm" after a character who let out the same scream in a film called "Charge at Feather River." Ben has since adopted the scream as sort of a personal sound signature. He and a small circle of sound effects people keep it in steady rotation. Most recently, the scream was used in "Confessions of a Dangerous Mind" and "Once Upon a Time in Mexico." And now you know.
Post #4: Egads!
The pull of a website called Retro Crush proved too much for Blog's sleep-deprived mind and now he has a mere 3.5 hours to complete seven more posts!!! To make matters worse, his on the downhill slide of a Red Bull bender. It's high time he stopped DICKing around.
Will Blog be able to pull out of this tailspin while the rest of the world is on the road and in the air? Will he actually post anything but reckless self promotion and retractions? Is anyone actually reading this? Stay tuned!
Post #3: New article at Website
If a shotgun fires in the woods and no one is around to hear it, can it still destroy a Macintosh monitor?
The answer to this question can be found at Blog's sister site, Website, where a new feature story was posted last night. Click here to see it for yourself. It's chock full of gunplay videos that will help you tick away the moments of this dull Thanksgiving Eve. Enjoy! Whew, three down and it's barely noon. Time to eat peanut butter and listen to The DICKies on the ol' iPod.
Post #2: Retraction time
Earlier this week, Blog mentioned the addition of J.J. Joe Jr's blog to the blogosphere. Blog incorrectly stated that J.J. had promised to post anything about bowel movements. This is erroneous. He merely stated that he would try not to post anything about bowel movements. Blog, who does not wear DICKies (hey, I never said they wouldn't be hackneyed) regrets the error and looks forward to any of J.J's posts on the subject of bowel movements, should he choose to post anything about said bowel movements.
Post #1: TRIPLE POST WEDNESDAY!!!
Blog will be leaving tomorrow for the moldy pastures of Seattle, Washington where he will spending the holiday weekend chugging turkey-flavored soda while searching for the ghost of Kurt Cobain. What does this mean? No more posts until Monday. "But wait," you cry. "This isn't fair! You're cheating out of two days of Blog-gy goodness!" Worry not, dear friends for, in honor of the most gluttonous of all holidays, Thanksgiving, Blog has declared today TRIPLE POST WEDNESDAY!!!
Let's do the math. On an average weekday, Blog posts three times. 3 posts x 3 days (Wednesday, Thursday, Friday) = hmmmm...carry the 1...divide by the square root of 10541.67....and that equals 11! Yes, today Blog will commit himself to posting an astounding, amazing, record breaking, earth-shattering 11 times BY the end of his workday!! Can Blog do it? Is he up to the challenge? If he is to succeed, he will have to overcome sleep deprivation, inquisitive supervisors, a nagging obligation to actually work while on the clock, the burn of fluorescent lighting, the pull of Ain't It Cool News and the pleas of his middle-aged coworkers to help them use Google to search for Jello recipes. Will Blog triumph over adversity and achieve true Blogger greatness or fail miserably? The time is now 11:26 PST. Blog's shift ends at 18:00 PST. 6.5 hours remain. The clock is ticking. But is this enough of challenge? To make things even more exciting and intense, Blog will force himself to use the word "dick" in each post and not out of context either!!! Why "dick," you ask? Well...uh...in honor of Thanksgiving, of course! The pilgrims were huge dicks! They were anal-retentive zealots, dressed like anal retentive zealots and conned their indigenous pals into giving them a free meal and survival tips before filling them full of smallpox. DICK Nixon might disagree with this interpretation of American history but, well, he's dead so who cares what he thinks? Now, like any good-hearted American on Thanksgiving you can gorge yourself on all eleven posts in a single sitting or spread them out on the next few days. The choice is yours and yours alone. Think about it for a few minutes while Blog contemplates the next post while chugging his third Red Bull of the day.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003Psycho Safeway: ??? - 2003
 As if this town couldn't get any more gentrified. Last month, the Safeway on 10th and Jefferson closed its doors forever. Unlike most Safeways, this one had a piss-poor attitude and a nasty reputation. No, it wasn't like all the other grocery stores. It hung around with a bad crowd on the wrong side of the tracks and smoked cigarettes. Over the years, this Safeway became known as..dun...dun....dun! PSYCHO SAFEWAY! We will miss it. Psycho Safeway wasn't just a supermarket, it was an experience. Hobos wandered the aisles. Elderly homeless women hung around the seafood department, professing their intentions to buy every single live lobster and release them in the Pacific...once they hit the lottery. Schizophrenics in leather jackets, gangstas, victims of Tourette's Syndrome and (GASP!) PSU students all shopped here. The place was notorious and, over the years, teenage suburbanites traveled from miles around in search of anecdotes. Depending on the hour and the phases of the moon, they either found a carnivale extradionare or...a really old grocery store with a leaky roof.  Psycho Safeway still stands...for the time being, surrounded by a chainlink fence. A new Safeway has opened across the street but it will never be able to live up to the reputation of its predecessor. The place is spotless and looks like a Zupan's. When Blog visited it, there wasn't a single hobo or puddle of puke among its immaculate, spacious aisles. This new Uber-Safeway even has a Starbucks inside with overstuffed chairs and a fireplace with the following warning: "Caution! Fireplace can be hot!" Ugh. Psycho Safeway, you are gone but not forgotten. Good night, sweet prince.
The Big Bad Butter Battle Book
 Armed Prophet has pinpointed the exact moment when he turned to the "dark side" of American politics. Evidentially, Dr. Zuess' "Big Bad Butter Book" brainwashed AP into becoming a liberal as a child. While his once bleeding heart has since turned into a gasoline fueled, GOP voting engine, he's still bitter and convinced that this mere kid's story was the culprit. Is he joking? Knowing him, probably not. After being confronted with the tired "video games also make children violent," AP disagreed: I'm not familiar with any video games that communicate to the player a coherent philosophy, but if one did, I think the same could be said for that. Books tell stories with identifiable characters whose actions are portrayed as having consequences. Video games may show violence as having little consequence, but there's no reason for a player to draw comparisons between the world of Grand Theft Auto and reality. But I can only be sure of that because children also get information from their parents, from school and church that violence isn't okay. A balance of input is necessary for healthy development. First off, he contradicts himself here by acknowledging that children also get information from parents, etc. Furthermore, he's convinced "Grand Theft Auto" has less to do with "reality" than a children's book filled with fanciful cartoon characters and "Jigger-Rock Snatchems." If short, moralistic fables can single handedly sway a child's philosophies, why couldn't a video game? AP argues that these games don't offer consequences for their characters. Really? If Mario accidentally jumps down a chasm, he dies. Game over. The moral here may not be as poignant as the late, great doctor's but it's still evident: If you're a plumber who's found himself in a fantasy world filled with giant turtles you should lay off those "power up" mushrooms. No, wait. My mistake. Jumping off cliffs = bad. Take the example of the two teens in Tennessee who were allegedly inspired to shoot up a real-life freeway after spending too much time in front of "Grand Theft Auto." The case was thrown out of court and, at best, "GTA" was probably only the tip of the iceberg. These kids were obviously troubled to begin with. If the game hadn't inspired them, something else would have. Perhaps a better example is "America's Army," "the first video game to be approved by the US military." The game is clearly being used as a recruitment device. If the army is willing to invest millions in a game that can sway people into devoting four years of their lives to military service, isn't this proof enough of their abilities? Possibly, maybe, but probably not. So what have we learned here? Video games don't turn people into violent maniacs and "The Butter Battle Book" did not turn Armed Prophet into a preadolescent Dukakis supporter. If that were the case, Blog, who read 80% of Stephen King's catalog in middle school, would now be in prison for chasing people with croquet mallets. AP's early politics had more to do with his upbringing in a liberal house in a liberal town. If it takes a village to raise a child and if that village votes democrat, the kid is liable to do the same.
Monday, November 24, 2003Links! Links! Links! (Updated!)
-Turkey and gravy flavored soda.
-Offensive ads from yesteryear. -Deadly playground equipment. -Ghost in a jar. -A website devoted to beverages. -A ancient, strange commercial for the original "Legend of Zelda." In it, a man trapped in a basement shouts the names of random bad guys...for no apparent reason. -In fact, you should just go here and drown yourself in '80s nostalgia. Warning, you could waste several lifetimes searching through this enormous site.
Blogger claims another soul
J. J. Joe Jr. has been assimilated into the Blogosphere. While he promises not to post anything about bowel movements, Blog gives him two weeks, tops.
Friday, November 21, 2003El Grillo Report #3: The Case of the Peek-a-Boo Popo
It's been a long time since the last report, nye on 1.5 months. If you've missed the first two installments, El Grillo is a Mexican restaurant attached to a strip club. Located in the heart of downtown Portland just steps from Old Town, it was used as example of "urban blight" in a certain Benecio del Toro movie. It's also a magnet for weirdness. In report #2, a drunk, obese woman abruptly began slam dancing to NWA near the cash register. Here's a series of incidents from two weeks back:
The place is empty except for a dancer from next door eating alone at the counter. A few minutes later, two guys in Fubu jackets enter and take a seat next to her. She's immersed in a copy of The Mercury as one tries hitting on her. Despite his attempts, she refuses to answer his questions and doesn't look up from the paper. An elderly man wanders in with a basket of flowers. "Roses...Roses for the young lady," he sings. The dancer doesn't flinch. She's a stone, only moving every few minutes for another bite of enchiladas. Fubu boy hesitates and doesn't take him up on the offer. The man leaves and Fubu reads over her shoulder. Maybe he's trying to find out what's so fascinating. She leaves, he's crestfallen and El Grillo fills with smiling club-hoppers. An on-duty police officer wanders in. He chats with one of the cooks and places an order. While waiting, he slowly creeps towards the door leading to Mary's Club. Sir Mix-A-Lot's words waft in and call to him like a siren. He hesitates and finally opens it, disappearing in a cloud of cigarette smoke and "Baby Got Back." His order sits on the counter for eons. What is this clean-cut cop doing in there? Surely, he's using the bathroom...right? After ten minutes, Officer Friendly returns looking flustered and embarrassed. If he's spent that much time in a stall doing "legitimate business," the last thing he needs is Mexican food. Everyone stares. He grabs the bag and leaves.
"What if there was a species above us in the food chain? How do you think you'd feel if that species lost total respect for us?"
Blog finally saw the Jones/del Toro collaboration sober for the first time last week. Verdict? It's hardly a Oregon cinematic classic like "The Goonies." In fact, it's really quite laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaammmmmme.
"The Hunted" may be the first action movie shot in Portland since Burt Reynold's "Breaking In" but who can overlook the nonexistent plot, "killing machine" Benecio's cuddly feelings for his ani-pals and the movie-of-the-week conclusion? It will remembered as a unintentionally hilarious classic for locales. Those who don't live in Multnomah County have probably already forgotten about it. Best scene: After riding a MAX train across the Hawthorne Bridge, Benecio scales a girder and swan dives into the placid, toxic waters of the Willamette. Fleeing authorities, he swims up river and magically teleports to a waterfall somewhere in Washington.
Let's see if he's paying attention
Armed Prophet, that slinger of DC-flavored divinations, has an error on his site. A link that should lead to The Loop, a sports blog devoted to the Oregon Ducks, actually leads to a different Loop. This second site is a health blog focusing on the gritty details of colon cancer therapy.
Is AP reading this? Regardless, how long do you think it will take him to correct it? Place your bets. Blog has five bucks on "sometime around MLK Day." Is Blog "being a dick"? Place your bets.
Thursday, November 20, 2003More cat-related weirdness
 Apparently, the Japanese also enjoy humiliating their pets. This link, passed along by Sho of Wazeth Fame™ leads to what appears to be the j-pop equivalent of Fat Chicks in Party Hats. Blog, unfortunately, doesn't speak Nihongo but Sho of Wazeth Fame™ was also kind enough to pass along this translation of one of the entries: "The necktie of black being attached to the deep-red shirt which is the very cute it matches to the handsome cat well necktie shirt it increases. When at the time and the like of the foam/home party, the just a little dress liking to raise even, it may participate. Of course, making the girl wear handsome, it is GOOD! Because you can install with the magic tape, installation and removal is the can tongue!" OK everybody, all together now: "JAPAN RAWKS!!!"
Nope, not skeletons!
Blog doesn't usually keep tabs on tabloid fodder (Prince Charles is a wha...?) but when the name "Michael Jackson" is involved, "Entertainment Tonight" suddenly develops hypnotic abilities.
Yesterday, the kind, decent folks at "Celebrity Justice" revealed disturbing evidence discovered at the Neverland Ranch. While searching files and computers, authorities allegedly discovered a hidden door in the King of Pop's walk-in-closet. Now what could Michael Jackson be hiding in a secret room? Hmmmmmm......what could it be? A Hello Kitty diary? A stash of Playboys? Maybe a nickelbag? No, it wasn't any of that.... ...are you ready for this? Really ready? Are you sure? OK, here goes.... The secret room contained countless pictures of bare-chested children. The centerpiece was an autographed shot of old-pal Macaulay Culkin with the words "don't leave me in the house alone." That should provide with you plenty of snuggly, warm mental images. The King of Pop's arraignment is set for January. Kobe Bryant, eat your heart out.
Subway Ents/follow-up
Salon posted a story about the bizarre "Two Towers" promotion in a NYC's Times Square subway terminal. To read it, click here.
Where we're going...well, we still need roads
 MSNBC ran a story today about the progress being made on flying cars. The verdict? Not in our lifetimes. No one's willing to invest in research and imagine the insurance rates. One company, Moller International, has designed a prototype it calls the Skycar. The machine can travel at speeds over 250 MPH and gets 28 miles per gallon It's still in the testing phase and, if it ever goes into production, the initial price tag will be a cool $1,000,000. Meanwhile, Blog is still hold out for the "Steak Dinner in a Pill."
Wednesday, November 19, 2003I still
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